Chris and I have been married for almost four years...we've been trying to get pregnant for almost three of those year. That's freaking long time. I am thinking about quitting, and trying again when we hit five years of marriage. We're still young, it's not like my biological clock is ticking. On a selfish note, I would like to retain my un-stretch marked body for a while longer.
I'm just getting tired of this limbo land that I have been living in for the past three years. Let's just eliminate the possibility of being pregnant. I think the possibility is driving bonkers. I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I try. I am constantly waiting for my period to come or not come, and for a girl who's cycle is wiggidy whack, that could be 7 weeks, with a negative pregnancy test at least once every week. Bonkers, I tell you, BONKERS!!!!
I think my marriage needs a break from infertility too. Almost three years is a long time and it's a big stresser in a marriage. We need a vacation, a vacation from our problems. Infertility is our problem, well, my problem. Let's not think about it for a while, let's eliminate the possibility. I am completely content and happy in every other area of my life, but I feel like infertility is tainting it all. It's raining on my parade. I'm so over it. I want to drink un-tainted water, I want to breath unpolluted air.
I am done, at least until I have my appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in May. Then I might think about it again.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Stolen Day
Chris called me on Wednesday of last week and informed me that he had Good Friday off. At first I was a little ticked off, because I had asked him multiple times if he had it of when we were planning our trip to Albany, NY. He assured multiple times that he didn't have it off. Apparently he did. After I got over the fact that we could have been spending Easter with our nieces, new nephew and best friends, I was very excited to realize that Chris and I had an unplanned day together! First, I had to see if my co-worker would work for me, but he said he would.
As I am sure you know, I really LOVE my husband. He is just the funnest guy there is. So having a stolen day with him was like winning the lottery. I kind of felt like we were skipping school or something! We didn't really do anything amazing all we did was have breakfast together at a great bagel joint in town and walked around our local used books store. But for some reason, it was just one of the best days we have had.
I am so thankful for the simple things in life. I am thankful that I have a husband that is okay with just being with me and doesn't always have to be "doing" something. I am thankful that we truly enjoy each other and that we always have something to talk about. I also really like that we can be completely comfortable be silent with each other. It's nice.
I donated 10 inches of my hair to Locks of Love this past month! I figured that if I looked like an idiot with super short hair, I could just tell people who looked at me with a look of, "What did she do to her hair?!", that I donated it to kids with cancer and they would feel like total jerks for thinking that I look like a fool. Fails safe plan, really. It turns out that I don't look like a fool! Yay! I really like short hair. I, personally, think it is a lot easier than my long hair. My long hair always got in my way and tickled my nose a lot. Yay for short hair!
Well, it is kind of decision time for us, concerning infertility. We've done every thing that we can outside of the invasive treatments. Actually, there is one more thing, but I am nervous about doing it. What if it doesn't work? Then I really have to go with intense hormone treatments and the whole sha-bang. I don't have a peace about it, I'm not even indifferent, I'm anxious. That's not a good things. I have decided to wait a few months before we go ahead with it, but we might not at all. I wish I could explain why I feel the way I feel, but I just can't.
We had Chris' "guys" tested and they are swimming like champs. It was really good news and really devastating news at the same time. Basically, it's my fault that we haven't been able to get pregnant. Ouch. We have been talking pretty seriously about adoption, but who knows when that will be. God has been reminding me that we are all adopted into His family. He isn't, technically, our biological father, but He loves us better than any dad could. Chris and I have a lot of love to give. We have always wanted to adopt, just not for a first child, but plans change, circumstances change, lives changes As destroying as infertility can be, I have recently been reminded of this verse.
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3.
In the midst of all of these ashes, I can see the potential for something beautiful.
As I am sure you know, I really LOVE my husband. He is just the funnest guy there is. So having a stolen day with him was like winning the lottery. I kind of felt like we were skipping school or something! We didn't really do anything amazing all we did was have breakfast together at a great bagel joint in town and walked around our local used books store. But for some reason, it was just one of the best days we have had.
I am so thankful for the simple things in life. I am thankful that I have a husband that is okay with just being with me and doesn't always have to be "doing" something. I am thankful that we truly enjoy each other and that we always have something to talk about. I also really like that we can be completely comfortable be silent with each other. It's nice.
I donated 10 inches of my hair to Locks of Love this past month! I figured that if I looked like an idiot with super short hair, I could just tell people who looked at me with a look of, "What did she do to her hair?!", that I donated it to kids with cancer and they would feel like total jerks for thinking that I look like a fool. Fails safe plan, really. It turns out that I don't look like a fool! Yay! I really like short hair. I, personally, think it is a lot easier than my long hair. My long hair always got in my way and tickled my nose a lot. Yay for short hair!
Well, it is kind of decision time for us, concerning infertility. We've done every thing that we can outside of the invasive treatments. Actually, there is one more thing, but I am nervous about doing it. What if it doesn't work? Then I really have to go with intense hormone treatments and the whole sha-bang. I don't have a peace about it, I'm not even indifferent, I'm anxious. That's not a good things. I have decided to wait a few months before we go ahead with it, but we might not at all. I wish I could explain why I feel the way I feel, but I just can't.
We had Chris' "guys" tested and they are swimming like champs. It was really good news and really devastating news at the same time. Basically, it's my fault that we haven't been able to get pregnant. Ouch. We have been talking pretty seriously about adoption, but who knows when that will be. God has been reminding me that we are all adopted into His family. He isn't, technically, our biological father, but He loves us better than any dad could. Chris and I have a lot of love to give. We have always wanted to adopt, just not for a first child, but plans change, circumstances change, lives changes As destroying as infertility can be, I have recently been reminded of this verse.
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3.
In the midst of all of these ashes, I can see the potential for something beautiful.
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