Laughter

Laughter is a very powerful thing. I love to laugh. It's my preferred reaction to almost everything...unless it is really sad. If something is awkward, I laugh. If something is adorable, I laugh. If something is funny, obviously, I laugh. I laugh when I am excited, I laugh when I am nervous, I laugh when something weirds me out. Laughter is bonding agent, when you laugh with someone, miraculously, I friendship begins to grow. Laughter is also a wrecking ball. When you laugh at someone, something is broken and whether you know it or not, a piece of someone is injured. Laughter is a powerful thing.

Other than the saving and redemptive power of Jesus Christ, laughter is one of the most important parts of my marriage. I just think that Chris is hilarious! And he thinks that I am, too! We laugh at every thing, crack jokes with each other, remember funny television episodes that we have watched together and try to quote a line (I never get them right, but Chris always has them down verbatim). Sometimes when we are in a heated argument, I get so worked up that I start laughing and then Chris starts laughing and we are able to resolve our conflict. God is so good to us to let us have a sense of humor, even in the midst of a conflict. Laughter is a powerful thing.

I just love to laugh. But mostly, I love to laugh with Chris. He is so funny! Charlie makes me laugh too! Here is a funny picture of my little turd. That can't be comfortable! LOL!

Sometimes I Wonder...

When you are a little girl, you wonder what it will be like when you are a big girl. When you are a big girl, you wonder what it will be like when you are a teenage and able to drive. When you are a teenage and able to drive, you wonder what it will be like when you get to college. When you get to college, you wonder what it will be like to be married to the man of your dreams and out of college. When you are married to man of your dreams and out of college, you wonder what it will like to be an adult. Then you realize that you are an adult and whether you like it or not, life went on, even though you still, every once in a while, wonder what it will be like to be a big girl.

Now you have the adult "I wonders"...what will it be like to have a mortgage, what will it be like to have a family, what will it be like to raise teenagers, etcetera etcetera. Mostly you wonder what something will be like when you don't seem to get "it" as soon as other people do. As a girl, I remember being green with jealousy when my sister got her first training bra. When others get something before you do, you wonder what it would be like to get that too.

I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a positive pregnancy test. After three years of negative pregnancy tests, I will probably faint or throw up when that day comes. It's hard to remain positive when you are staring at a negative, a lot of negatives. But negative gets you nowhere, so I make the choice to be positive. I may have ice cream for dinner that night, but I will be positive!

My dear friend had her baby this week. I look at pictures and yearn for that to be me. I can truly understand why Sarah had Abraham sleep with Hagar. I can't blame her at all, it's hard being patient and waiting. Waiting on the Lord? Sometimes I don't even know if that is what I am doing, but I am waiting. But one thing is for sure, waiting is totally overrated. I had a girl I know from college offer to be a surrogate for me. I have to admit that for a split second, I thought it might be a good idea. But its not. It's making Gods promise fit into my time line and after all of these years of studying Gods word, I should know by now that rushing Gods timing is never a good idea. I just get so impatient.

I get really uncomfortable when someone I love has a baby. I don't know what to do with myself, I go through this period where I am antsy and awkward. I need cave time. Even though I am so happy for them, I am still so sad, so devastated. I hate that mix of emotions.

Still, I'm left to wonder. Wonder what it will be like when it is me. Praying that it will be someday. Chris is going to be a terrific dad.

This is my prayer in the desert.

This my favorite song on the new Hillsongs United album. It's true, and a wonderful reminder that God is still God, not matter what.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY

Oh Charlie...

If I could only use one word to describe Charlie, I think I would have to choose "character", because if there is one thing that dog has it is character. He never leaves us with a dull moment.

I have been trying to leave him in the house more often, instead of outside, when I leave the house. I am pretty sure he likes it. I would venture to guess that his time at home alone consists of sleeping and staring at the front door willing me to come home. Except when I leave the pantry door open...

Last Wednesday I had to make a quick trip to Walmart to pick up some stuff for our upcoming ski trip. I was pretty tried and unwittingly left the pantry door open in my effort to get out the door. When I got home, Charlie was VERY happy to see me. And I mean more than usual. As I walked to the kitchen to plop the groceries down, I noticed shredded plastic in the dinning area. After further investigation, I realized that Charlie had gotten a hold of my white chocolate baking chips and eaten them ALL. There wasn't a single morsel left. All devoured by my 11 pound pup. I did a quick search on the internet to see if white chocolate was as fatal for dogs as brown chocolate was, and thankfully it isn't at all. Boy was he pleased with himself! All he did while I was cleaning up the plastic confetti was wag his tail and make that dog smile, you know what I am talking about. After a few hours I was pretty sure he regretted his actions because he was totally bloated and looked like he was very uncomfortable. He couldn't even jump into bed.

Then, last night, Chris was eating a chocolate bar and dropped some. Charlie is vigilant when it comes to Chris and I eating. He is fully prepared to catch anything that may fall from our hands or mouths. He is really fast. So when Chris dropped the chocolate, it was a lost cause. Shoot. Charlie didn't even chew, he just inhaled it. There was no way we could snatch it out of his mouth. So as any good dog owner, Chris stuck his finger down Charlies throat in an effort to make him puke it out. Charlie was a rock and barely gagged, even with Chris' entire hand wiggling in his throat. As soon as Chris removed his hand Charlie just ran around in a circle and made himself at home on Chris' lap. Great.

Did you know that if you have your dog drink salt water, they will puke. Neither did we, but we tried it after we read about it on the internet. But guess what. Charlie, the dog that will eat ANYTHING and drink ANYTHING wouldn't touch the salt water. What a jerk. Isn't that irony at it's best? I couldn't help but crack up.

Apparently Charlie didn't eat enough chocolate to make him sick and he has been fine all day. All that fuss for nothing. Despite our better judgment, we really love our dog.

As Promised

Meryl Streep was awarded a Golden Globe for her performance in Julie & Julia. I don't usually follow who gets awards and who doesn't, it's usually inconsequential to me. But for some reason I wanted Meryl Streep to win this one. While Chris and I were on our way home from a date last night, I heard on the radio that she was the winner. Even Chris said that she deserved it. Anyone who has watched a movie with her in it knows that she is a talented actress and she has received plenty of affirmation to that fact, but as I stated in a earlier post, there was something about Julie & Julia that really spoke to me.

Julia Childs was not able to have children. She was infertile. Even though the movie did not focus on that particular reality in her life, it was shown. To a woman who is going through the same journey, it spoke loud and clear to me. Really it was shown in very little ways, if you blink, you will miss it. Looking longingly at a baby in a pram passing her in a street. Trying to figure out what to do with all the time that she has. Trying to figure out what it is that she likes to do. Receiving a letter from her sister telling her that her sister is in fact pregnant and falling into tears, tears of joy, tears of grief. Even after she had worked 8 years on getting her cook book published only to be rejected by a publisher she looks at her husband and says "Was this just 8 years of me having something to do?"

I can relate. I am on a constant search for something to do, something that will delight me and give me joy even after a hard days work. I wonder if anyone in this situation finds that. Finds the thing that fills the void of being childless, that not only occupies your time, but gives you joy and a sense of accomplishment. Julia found joy in cooking. I like that

No to mention that her relationship with her husband was really something. They loved each other and were true to each other, even though their love was unable to produce life, they were passionate about each other. They were goofy too! I found this poem that her husband wrote for her on her birthday.

O Julia, Julia, cook and nifty wench,
Whose unsurpassed quenelles and hot souffles,
Whose English, Norse and German, and whose French,
Are all beyond my piteous powers to praise –
Whose sweetly rounded bottom and whose legs,
Whose gracious face, whose nature temperate,
Are only equaled by her scrambled eggs:

Accept from me, your ever-loving mate,
This acclamation shaped in fourteen lines
Whose inner truth belies its outer sight;
For never were there foods, nor were there wines
Whose flavor equals yours for sheer delight.
O luscious dish! O gustatory pleasure!
You satisfy my taste buds beyond measure.

-Paul Child


How delightful! How encouraging! A life and love not derailed by infertility. It's easy to feel like damaged property, like if your husband had know that you could not make a baby, he would have chosen someone else. Julia and Paul were madly in love and they had a great sex life. And by the grace of God, the same is true for Chris and I, and even though I have days that I feel otherwise, I know that Chris chose me for me, not because of my child bearing hips :). Infertility can shatter such things in a marriage. If you have never experienced it, you probably don't fully understand and I don't blame you, but to me, this is like a light at the end of a tunnel.

2009 was a year that was derailed by infertility. I was hopeless and frankly, terribly depressed. I believe that God thinks outside the box to get our attention or at least He has to with me. I was void of encouragement, no matter how many times I read about the life and faith of women in the Bible that were barren, no matter how many well meaning people tried to encourage me to "wait on God's timing". It took something like a movie about cooking to snap me out of a funk.

Thank you God for the life of Julia Childs.

Snow in Southern New Mexico

It's snowing again (yes, I typed "again") here in good ol' Las Cruces. This is the THIRD time in the last month that we have had snow grace our desert ground. Desert snow really is different from all the other types of snow fall. The juxtaposition of snow and dry land is mesmerizing, at least to me. There is something so ironic about it, it almost makes it more beautiful, more majestic. I grew up here in New Mexico. As a native, you kind of expect to have mild temperature winters, perfect springs and falls, and a relatively uncomfortable summers. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" usually stays in the dream form. But this year, we have snow fall. It really is an amazing sight.

Look! The leaves are still green and they are covered with snow!!

Charlie uses the snow as an excuse to sleep on the couch all day. Every once in awhile he will pop into the room that I am in to check on things, but other than that, he is sleeping. It really is kind of cute. When I have to put him outside to do his business, I have to lift him from his resting place and carry him to the door. During this time he is imitating a wet blanket, limp and unresponsive. Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer a catheter to having to go outside to potty. I am sure if it were possible to ask him his preference, he would hands down go for the catheter. He hates being outside.


I, on the other hand, use the snow as an excuse to drink coffee all day. Yes, all day. Have I ever told you that I love mugs. Well, I do. I feel like a morning will be much better if I get to drink a warm beverage from a fun/beautiful mug. At this very moment, I am enjoying Starbucks Christmas Blend from, what I like to call, my "prize mug". It's shaped like an upside down pear, is a beautiful brick red, and is the perfect shape for cold hands to fold around. Chris got it for me as a prize for making it through a long week at work. He's a good man.


In celebration of a snow day, I am going to make a pie. A cherry pie. My mom's tried and true recipe. Once, at a bake sale to help raise money to send me on a missions trip, my moms Cherry Pie brought in $800! Then the people who bought it, turned around and sold a single piece for $100. Needless to say, it's really good. Yum, pie! Speaking of which, I made a pretty stellar pie for Christmas, a Gingersnap Pumpkin Pie. That was good too. I will share the recipe if you want, but I am not going to type it out without a request...I know, lazy. Sorry, there is no way you will get the Cherry Pie recipe. I have been sworn to secrecy by my mother and to break her trust would reap catastrophic consequences. Just joking...but seriously, I can't.

Happy New Year. New year, new hope.

Easy as frying an egg...

It's been awhile. Good to be back...I don't really know why I was gone, but I just was lacking the inspiration. I got it back!

Have you ever seen Julie & Julia? If not, you need to. It is a wonderful movie and one that I could totally relate to. I will tell you more about it after you have seen it. I don't want to ruin anything for you. With that said I will give you a few days and then I will continue on with my pontification of the film (I say this like there are so many people reading my blog, but, you never know).

I have I ever told you that I love to cook? Well, I do, I really do. I haven't really had enough energy to do a lot of it, so it is kind of a rare event for me to be able to get in the kitchen and produce something that wasn't previously prepared and frozen, then purchased out of the grocers freezer. With that confessed, the other day I was watching Rachael Ray (one of my faves!) and she was doing her "Whats for dinner" segment. She prepared a delicious looking "Steak and Eggs Ranchero" and I thought to myself "Self, you should make that. It doesn't look like a hard recipe." So I went to the store and got all the ingredients. I didn't get around to making it until a few days later, but here is how it went.

The general outline of the recipe is this: cook a few steaks, make a quick salsa and red chile sauce, fry a corn tortilla and a few eggs. Really not that complicated, but for some reason frying eggs is a very difficult task for me and in the process, I TOTALLY WRECKED the kitchen. There were dishes and splatters everywhere! And for some reason, my food processor was malfunctioning and it wasn't pureeing ANYTHING. When I turned it on, it created a lovely fountain of beef broth and ancho chile chunks. It's hard to make red chile sauce when you can't puree your ancho chile... Chris got home just in time to see the chaos ensue and graciously went to the office to wait for dinner to be finished and listen to me whoop and holler (picture the dad from "A Christmas Story"). Finally, he heard me announce that dinner was served and emerged from the office to see a messy kitchen, a frazzled wife, and a BEAUTIFUL plate of food (not to brag, but to kinda' brag, it looked very nice. Rachael herself would be proud). We sat down to eat and it tasted as good as it looked. I wish I took a picture.YUM! Here is the recipe. Watch out for those eggs, they can be tricky.

After all was said and done, I looked at Chris rather sheepishly and apologized for making such a mess. Just get how he responded, "What's the point in an awesome meal if the kitchen isn't a wreck? I'll clean." and continued to chow down. There are daily interactions with my husband that remind me why I love this wonderful man, but this one tops them all. I love my husband. Why? Plain and simple, he is profound without even knowing it.

Bliggiddy Blog

In all my 3 1/2 years as a Sheehan, I am going to officially experience a Sheehan Thanksgiving. Why? You ask. Well, Chris and I have made it a point every holiday season, since our nuptials, to spend Christmas with his family. Why? Chris' dad lives and works in Alaska and only comes home for Christmas and the summer months and this has been the main deciding factor behind spending Christmas with the Sheehans.

Like any new member of a large family, transitioning into the new Christmas traditions of the Sheehan's was a bit of a shock to me. Not for any reason in particular, I think I was just being an emotional girl and wanting my own mommy. Poor Chris had to console me every night when we went to bed. Looking back, I was being a sissy and probably a little insecure. :) After 3 years of Christmases, I feel like I have it down pat. It all happens with time.

Now to transition into Sheehan Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday. I think it all came about because my birthday falls on Thanksgiving every once in a while. So as a little girl, I really thought that it was a holiday to give thanks for me (I know, how conceited)! We would eat wonderful food and my mom would make me one of her famous Cherry pies (I am not lying, those pies have gotten $800 at church pie auctions!). I'm not sure if the Sheehans have gotten the memo that Thanksgiving day is REALLY "Give thanks for Emilie" day, so this could be an interesting holiday. However, one thing I know for sure, I will eat VERY WELL. Kathleen (my mom-in-law) is a top notch cook (Just so you know, BIG shoes to fill if you marry a Sheehan man. Megan has done a stellar job in filling those shoes, but I, on the other hand, made (or should I say, made Chris make?) 4 pre-prepared frozen dinners this week...). I am looking forward to seeing what Kathleen has planned for Thanksgiving. She is so good at putting a menu together. Hmm, now I am getting hungry.

Have you ever made a long trip with books on tape? If not, I highly recommend it. But not those mind exercising self help books, I mean the real good ones like The Chronicles of Narnia or A Series of Unfortunate Events...kids books. Chris and I made our last trip do Denver with Aslan, Lucy, Susan, Edmund, and Peter, and it made our trip MUCH FASTER! Oh yeah! Prince Caspian was there too!

Holiday travel. Hmm.

Matchy Matchy square pants

Charlie has had to start wearing a sweater at night. It is actually pretty funny because he looks like he is wearing a mid-drift sweater due to his LONG body. Makes for a few good laughs!

Charlie and I accidentally put on the same outfit one morning. Chris decided that a picture was in order. Charlie was completely bored with the whole situation.

Blessed

Well, I have has a pretty eventful couple of weeks. No, nothing fun, but a lot of doctor visits. YUCK! But the good news is that I have a few more answers concerning my issues. I have no idea why it took so long for my doctors to figure this out, or to listen to my pleas to get an ultrasound done, but they finally did an ultrasound and found that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Which accounts for my cycle issues and all of my energy issues. I am now taking a medicine that was formulated for diabetics but they accidentally discovered that it eliminates ovarian cysts. So, now we wait and see if it really works. It's supposed to make me hungry more often, but if that is the only side effect, I am OKAY with that!

I have another appointment with a fertility specialist on December 7th. Hopefully I will have more answers after that appointment and hopefully the next ultrasound I get is because I have a baby in my belly. If that doesn't happen, I will be okay with that too, but it would be nice. So, I know that there are way more pressing things to be praying about for other people, that actually are related to life and death, but if you think about it, would you pray for my health and healing? Even if I never do have kids of my own, I really don't think that I would be a very good adopted mother if I am this tired all the time.

I was right about that "baby boom". There are so many woman who are pregnant right now and I keep hearing about more. Jealousy is a ugly and terrible thing and I hate it, but sometimes I am just plain jealous. I hate being jealous, I absolutely hate it. But true to form, God is teaching me so much through all of this and He has giving me more peace than I have experience about this situation ever. And when I really think about it, it's not that big of a deal. I am blessed with so many things that so many people are not blessed with, so I have no reason to be jealous because others can get pregnant and I can't. I have no reason to be unhappy. I am blessed, so blessed.

On a less heavy note. I would like to announce that I won the game of Settlers TWO times in a row after a long and sad streak of always coming in last for the past two years! I really am proud of myself because I was playing with very good players (Tommy, Tiffany, and Chris). Hold your applause, I don't want to get too prideful. :)

Also, it is my birth month! I love my birth month!! Happy November! I sure am blessed!