Never thought I'd do that.

So I just cut Chris' hair. It's pretty bad...kinda' like the hair cut he got two weeks before our wedding, which was terrible. Oh my! I can blame no one but myself for his appearance...

Isn't it funny the things that we do when we are married? Things that we always swore we would never do. Such as cutting the moldy chunk off the cheese and calling it good. Forgetting to snag that one red sock out of the whites and henceforth making your husband wear pink shirts instead of white. Or, letting hair grow in places you would have fainted at prior to marriage (since when did a 25 year old get whiskers?). Among others, cutting Chris' hair poorly is one of those things. I always assumed I could make him look like a GQ model. NOT! I married an unrepentant tight-wad (who I love more that anyone else in the world!) and the only way he is going to get a hair cut is if I do it. It's such a conundrum. Either I let him look like an unkempt college student at his professional job or I make him look like a drill sergeant on leave from the military.

The real sad thing about all of this, is that I work at a Salon. And not just any salon, it's an Aveda Salon. Talent, creativity, and skill are required in order to get a job at Aveda Salons. I got a job because I have good people skills, I'm nice, and have nothing to do with the cutting or styling of hair. During my interview, they neglected to ask if I cut my husbands hair and I neglected to mention it. So there I am, the girl who is pretending to be competent in the beauty world, cutting her husbands hair, poorly. Or should I say, buzzing her husbands hair, poorly. Cutting takes talent, buzzing just requires that you are not in a cast and have free movement of the wrist. Well, at least the kind of buzzing I do. What would my co-workers say?!?

On an entirely different subject, Chris just threw Charlie's ball into the toilet...again. Thank God for bleach! Charlie is currently disgruntled at my feet, snuffing a lot. Drama, drama, drama! :) Here's to red wine and fudgecicles!
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Flaming Hot

Every once in a while I succumb to the impulse buy section at Wal-Mart. You know, at the check out line where they have gossip magazines (Jake and Vienna are splitting?!?!?), chocolate bars, and any assortment of junk that is not needed, but for some reason at that very moment, VERY needed. Today it was the flaming hot Cheetos. YUM! Is it really that bad to eat Cheetos for lunch? I mean it's only like once in a few years that it happens. :)

Here's to eating junk for lunch! We all need it every once in awhile. :)

This Path

Lately I have been pondering suffering and the terrible things that don't make sense. God has been teaching me a lot about it these past few weeks. He does things that we don't understand. He does things that seem mean and uncalled for, but do I really know what is TRULY mean and uncalled for? What has been ringing through my head as I ponder these things is Isaiah 55: 8-9.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

More than ever, I know that I don't think like He does and frankly I never will. What baffles me, makes total sense to Him. There are a lot of things that baffle me, too. But just because He does something that I don't get, doesn't mean He is not altogether good and lovely. Things happen, life throws you curve balls. That is what is supposed to happen. Through all of this tragedy and confusion and uncertainty, He is still good. If there is one thing that we can learn from Jesus and His teachings is that He is good.

With that said, I have been reminded of the 23 Psalm verses 3 and 4.

"He restores my soul: he leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

Or according to the Jesus Story Book Bible:

"Even when I walk through the dark, scary, lonely places, I won't be afraid. Because my Shepherd knows where I am. He is here with me, He keeps me safe, He rescues me. He makes me strong and brave."

The path of righteousness may take us into the valley of the shadow of death- the scary, lonely, dark places- but He has got it covered. And even in the midst of all of that, He gives us the strength to be brave. It's comforting to me, especially on the road that I am on with infertility. I may never have a baby of my own, that's a real possibility - in all reality that doesn't incite bravery. But this is the road He has me on, a road not for the faint of heart, a road that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's the path of righteousness. Righteousness is what I have desired for so long now.

Why would He now give me something that I detest to bring me into His righteousness? First, it's because He is good and second, it's because He loves me and wants me to be righteous. Because it's what we do in the Valley of the Shadow of death that really shows what we are made of, it's the choices we make and the security that we find in Him that bring us to righteousness. It comes down to loving Him and trusting Him, knowing that He will comfort us... or running like hell.

Honestly, it's really tempting to run like hell. But His word says He won't give me anything more than I can handle (1 Cor. 10:12b). Obviously, He thinks I can handle infertility and with Him, I can. It's scary to think about what His best plan may entail, what exactly we are going to have to live through and how hard it may be. I am afraid. I don't want to live a life without children of my own, but I may have to. I may have to live a life of my longing never being fulfilled...until I see Him face to face.

When I was young, and during a few lucid days as an adult, I prayed that God would find me trust worthy and that He would give me his righteousness. This may be the answer to my prayer. Even though I may have been shooting myself in the foot a little. :)

I find out on tomorrow if I can or will ovulate on this new medicine. But what I am praying is that I would stay on the path of Righteousness, regardless of the state of my fertility.

Insert Patience

I said I was done, and I was. I postponed my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. Why? I was afraid. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I will see him in June. With that said, the doctors want me to try to few more things. I told them I needed a little time. I thought I was done with trying, but my heart can't take that either. Great. I called the doctor yesterday to go ahead and get a move on with it. It's go time. The rest of the day, I felt uneasy.

Sometimes, when I am feeling needy, I make Chris stop whatever it is he may be doing and we cuddle. Usually it means I need to cry. Last night was one of those times. I am a verbal processor and I needed to try to figure out how I was feeling, what was really going on inside of me. When we really got to the root of the problem, I realized that I am afraid of patience. No, not the "WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CLICKING YOUR PEN!" kind of patience or the "I really want those shoes now" kind of patience. I am talking about the aching, unlikely to be fulfilled patience. The kind that you don't know how long you will have to exercise it. The no end in sight, patience. The empty pit, patience. Doing nothing at all is almost easier than doing something and finding out I have to wait longer.

You know what else I am afraid of? I am afraid of missing out on what God wants us to do. What if He wants us to adopt. Actually, I am pretty sure He does want us to adopt, but I am not sure if He wants us to adopt now. Then, that brings up patience again. I don't know if I can wait through the whole process that is adoption. I want something now. But I can't have it now. Insert patience.

I keep asking God "What do you want us to do?" You know what? I don't think He really cares. That sounds bad! But hear me out. God made a woman's body to ovulate and therefor procreate. My body, obviously did not get the memo. My body is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. Taking a pill that encourages my body to do that is not wrong. In fact, it is right. It is what my body is supposed to do. Making a child because of that ovulation is a true blessing. There is nothing to prove otherwise. Adopting is exactly what He did with me, therefor, obviously something that He is okay with. Both are good things, and both are blessed by Him. Hmm. Ambiguous, I know.

Insert patience.

Here are some verses that have been life giving this past week.

"God blesses those who realize their need for Him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them." Matt 5:3

More and more, I have come to realize just how much I need Jesus.

"You both precede me and follow me, You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:5

Wow, is there anything more to be said? Especially when I think of my fear of future patience. He is already there, prepping the ground.

Thanks for reading this. If you are a woman experiencing this trial, you are not alone.

Social Networking

Have you ever spotted a person that you know and pretended like you didn't see them just because you didn't want to talk to them? Well, I have. Pretty low, I know. But the worst part is, usually I am friends with whoever that person may be on Facebook. Really low. I did this very thing on Monday. I was at the mall picking up a few things at GNC. I was doing a pretty good job of minding my own business, when I turned around and saw a girl that I know from college. I am not sure if she saw me, but I saw her and immediately turned my head to fake that I didn't see anyone. The thing that made it really awkward was that she was in the middle of inquiring about a supplement that targets the female reproductive system. Awkward.

I made my escape shortly after that and as I was speed walking through the mall, I was totally convicted. Why? Well, I am ashamed to say that I have shamelessly facebook stalked that particular girl MANY times. I know that she has recently been divorced and that she is in a graduate program and NMSU. I even know that she has a dog named Speedy. With all of that information, I couldn't even acknowledge her in the middle of GNC. What have I come to? I may not read celebrity gossip magazines (very often), but I religiously check Facebook for ANYBODY'S status update!

Social Networking sites didn't even exist when I was in High School. There really wasn't any way to "keep in touch" with the kids that I went to kindergarten with. You just kind of lived your life and stayed in touch with the people that really meant something to you, such as friends and family. But now, I can be "friends" with someone I took a class with my freshmen year of college. I am not sure how I feel about that. Honestly, the only reason I become friends with some people is because I want be nosy. I am not willing to actually talked to them in a public setting, I just want to look at their pictures and read their status.

In light of my ever increasing shallowness or ever decreasing depth, I have decided to go through my friend list on Facebook and "de-friend" people if I wouldn't talk to them if I ran into them at the mall. This is no small feat! Facebook has made it impossible to simply "de-friend" someone! Plus I have to deal with the momentary guilt I feel when I press the "remove from friends" button. I honestly feel pretty bad about it. Like my "de-friending" is going to affect the person being "de-friended". Then I think about how I would feel if I got "de-friended". Oh, it's terrible! What a moral dilemma!! But, I must be strong and realize that just because someone asks me to be their friend on Facebook, doesn't mean that they really want to be my friend...it probably just means that they want know if I am still happily married or if I am pregnant yet. Inquiring minds want to know, I should know, because I am one. Aye, aye, aye.

It's not fair to say we waisted time, but we probably did...

Chris and I have been married for almost four years...we've been trying to get pregnant for almost three of those year. That's freaking long time. I am thinking about quitting, and trying again when we hit five years of marriage. We're still young, it's not like my biological clock is ticking. On a selfish note, I would like to retain my un-stretch marked body for a while longer.

I'm just getting tired of this limbo land that I have been living in for the past three years. Let's just eliminate the possibility of being pregnant. I think the possibility is driving bonkers. I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I try. I am constantly waiting for my period to come or not come, and for a girl who's cycle is wiggidy whack, that could be 7 weeks, with a negative pregnancy test at least once every week. Bonkers, I tell you, BONKERS!!!!

I think my marriage needs a break from infertility too. Almost three years is a long time and it's a big stresser in a marriage. We need a vacation, a vacation from our problems. Infertility is our problem, well, my problem. Let's not think about it for a while, let's eliminate the possibility. I am completely content and happy in every other area of my life, but I feel like infertility is tainting it all. It's raining on my parade. I'm so over it. I want to drink un-tainted water, I want to breath unpolluted air.

I am done, at least until I have my appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in May. Then I might think about it again.

Stolen Day

Chris called me on Wednesday of last week and informed me that he had Good Friday off. At first I was a little ticked off, because I had asked him multiple times if he had it of when we were planning our trip to Albany, NY. He assured multiple times that he didn't have it off. Apparently he did. After I got over the fact that we could have been spending Easter with our nieces, new nephew and best friends, I was very excited to realize that Chris and I had an unplanned day together! First, I had to see if my co-worker would work for me, but he said he would.

As I am sure you know, I really LOVE my husband. He is just the funnest guy there is. So having a stolen day with him was like winning the lottery. I kind of felt like we were skipping school or something! We didn't really do anything amazing all we did was have breakfast together at a great bagel joint in town and walked around our local used books store. But for some reason, it was just one of the best days we have had.

I am so thankful for the simple things in life. I am thankful that I have a husband that is okay with just being with me and doesn't always have to be "doing" something. I am thankful that we truly enjoy each other and that we always have something to talk about. I also really like that we can be completely comfortable be silent with each other. It's nice.

I donated 10 inches of my hair to Locks of Love this past month! I figured that if I looked like an idiot with super short hair, I could just tell people who looked at me with a look of, "What did she do to her hair?!", that I donated it to kids with cancer and they would feel like total jerks for thinking that I look like a fool. Fails safe plan, really. It turns out that I don't look like a fool! Yay! I really like short hair. I, personally, think it is a lot easier than my long hair. My long hair always got in my way and tickled my nose a lot. Yay for short hair!

Well, it is kind of decision time for us, concerning infertility. We've done every thing that we can outside of the invasive treatments. Actually, there is one more thing, but I am nervous about doing it. What if it doesn't work? Then I really have to go with intense hormone treatments and the whole sha-bang. I don't have a peace about it, I'm not even indifferent, I'm anxious. That's not a good things. I have decided to wait a few months before we go ahead with it, but we might not at all. I wish I could explain why I feel the way I feel, but I just can't.

We had Chris' "guys" tested and they are swimming like champs. It was really good news and really devastating news at the same time. Basically, it's my fault that we haven't been able to get pregnant. Ouch. We have been talking pretty seriously about adoption, but who knows when that will be. God has been reminding me that we are all adopted into His family. He isn't, technically, our biological father, but He loves us better than any dad could. Chris and I have a lot of love to give. We have always wanted to adopt, just not for a first child, but plans change, circumstances change, lives changes As destroying as infertility can be, I have recently been reminded of this verse.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3.

In the midst of all of these ashes, I can see the potential for something beautiful.

As a Thank you...

Charlie is home, alive and well! We are VERY thankful for your prayer.

As most of you know, Charlie is, what I like to call, a character or... completely crazy! His tenacity is the soul motivator for his everyday life. "I can destroy that tennis ball." "Those bananas look delicious. I will now jump up on to the kitchen counter and devour them." "Hmmm, a baguette, I think I will jump up onto the counter and eat that too!" Now, keep in mind that Charlie has 4 inch legs. This in no small feet. I guess he thought that a pill bottle would be just as delightful as his other conquests. Not so much. But he is fine and that is all that matters, however he did pick up some bad habits while he was away. Just let me tell you!

When I got him home yesterday, he ran around the house to ensure that nothing had changed and that there were no intruders. After securing the premises, he plopped down in my lap and took a long, hard nap. There was sleep running and barking involved, that's how I know he is really out. Finally he opened his eyes and was ready to go! He ran around again, making sure everything was still the same. I gave him his bone AND his ball and he was in a euphoric state for a few minutes and then preceded to alternate chewing on his bone and playing with his ball. During all of this activity, I was doing my normal "day off" activity, cleaning. I bent over and felt two tiny little legs wrap around my calf. I turned around to see Charlie trying to get a little satisfaction on my leg. Great. He hasn't done that since we removed his manhood. I think he was as shocked as I was, and sulked his way away.

Chris got home from work and Charlie did his usual "I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!" routine: jump on and off the chair by the door in an attempt to reach Chris' mouth and lick him, after that doesn't work, run around the dining room table and bark at each corner, then he finishes it off with flinging himself into Chris' lap as soon as Chris sits down and attacking his upper body with licks. It's actually pretty funny. After all of that activity, he takes a nap until I start making dinner. Then he waits patiently for me to drop something off of my cutting board. Last nights dinner was a simple one and didn't take much time. So we were seated and ready to eat within 15 minutes. Chris has a wonderful ritual of getting up and hugging me while he blesses the food (one of my favorite things). Chris was blessed with his father's ability to make meal prayers way too long. There have been times that I stare at my food praying that Chris will stop so that I can put it in my mouth (yes, all of this happening while he is hugging me). While Chris was probably only in the middle of his prayer and thanking God that Charlie was alive and well, I hear what sounds like a cup of water tipping over and pouring out onto the carpet. When you are a dog owner you know too well what that sound is. I look down and witness Charlie peeing on Chris' leg!! I mean full blown, lifting his leg and peeing on Chris! Chris had no idea until I yelled "Oh my Goodness! Charlie is peeing on you!" At that point Charlie is mid pee and looking up at me like "What? I had to go."

Needless to say, I was rendered useless because of my fits of laughter and Chris was trying to discipline Charlie by laughing "No, bad boy! No!" What a way to say thanks. We drop a wad of money on the dog and he pees on his dad. The best part is that while it happened, Chris was thanking God that Charlie was alive and well! Irony at it's best. Still, we love him!!

Doggy Hospital

I came home from work today to find a chewed up bottle of Tylenol PM in the middle of my living room. Charlie was happy to see me, as usual, but yawning a lot. Apparently he had jumped up on the counter and snagged the bottle of Tylenol and commenced chewing on it. He chewed until it broke, and like any dog, ate what fell out.

I called to Vet to see if he would be okay, but it turns out that Tylenol is toxic to dogs and any amount can kill them if left untreated. Apparently liver failure could occur with in 24 hours. So Charlie got admitted to the Doggy Hospital just about an hour ago. He will be there for three nights. I cried when the vet told me what could happen to him. I know, I'm a sap. But right now he is my fur baby. You might think that it is lame, but would you pray for Charlie? It would not be a good thing if he died.

Laughter

Laughter is a very powerful thing. I love to laugh. It's my preferred reaction to almost everything...unless it is really sad. If something is awkward, I laugh. If something is adorable, I laugh. If something is funny, obviously, I laugh. I laugh when I am excited, I laugh when I am nervous, I laugh when something weirds me out. Laughter is bonding agent, when you laugh with someone, miraculously, I friendship begins to grow. Laughter is also a wrecking ball. When you laugh at someone, something is broken and whether you know it or not, a piece of someone is injured. Laughter is a powerful thing.

Other than the saving and redemptive power of Jesus Christ, laughter is one of the most important parts of my marriage. I just think that Chris is hilarious! And he thinks that I am, too! We laugh at every thing, crack jokes with each other, remember funny television episodes that we have watched together and try to quote a line (I never get them right, but Chris always has them down verbatim). Sometimes when we are in a heated argument, I get so worked up that I start laughing and then Chris starts laughing and we are able to resolve our conflict. God is so good to us to let us have a sense of humor, even in the midst of a conflict. Laughter is a powerful thing.

I just love to laugh. But mostly, I love to laugh with Chris. He is so funny! Charlie makes me laugh too! Here is a funny picture of my little turd. That can't be comfortable! LOL!